What a Feeling
by diehardRRfan
Summary: EO fic based right around where they are right now. No case files, just romantic fluff. Read and review!


WHAT A FEELING

**A/N: This is my first go-round with an SVU fic. It's Olivia/Elliot, kind of set around this time, but there's no case in here. Just fluff. Possible follow-up chapter. We'll see. Songs are: Brighter than Sunshine, Strange & Beautiful, Can't Get You Out of My Mind. All by Aqualung. Check them out; they're great!**

We have been partners for upwards of seven years now. I've dealt with his crap, and he's dealt with mine through more cases than I care to count. And because of the nature of our jobs, we were forced to become best friends from day one. We had to establish that trust that comes with partnership; and although we never speak it aloud, it's said in a pointed look before we leave for something that may end one - or both - of our careers, that I've got his back, and he's got mine.

_I've been watching your world from afar,  
I've been trying to be where you are,  
And I've been secretly falling apart, unseen._

I had always admired Elliot. He was always a strong man, and a great cop who could go to work every morning, see the horrors that we see everyday, and still go home to his wife and kids at night with at least a little shred of his sanity left. I envied him, because he had a safe haven that distracted him from the terror of these New York City streets, and I had to go back to an apartment filled with case files. Sure, I leave the precinct, but I bring a little piece of it home with me at night. At home, there's no escaping the pain and sadness that I wade through day after day. And oddly enough, being with Elliot, whether we were on the job or at a bar with the guys was my release. I loved being with him, even if our time together was concentrated on catching the bad guys and protecting innocent victims.

_To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,  
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,  
You turn every head but you don't see me._

Looking back, I can't pinpoint exactly when I fell in love with him. I don't remember when his guiding hand on the small of my back ignited heat and nerves instead of indifference. I couldn't tell you why my gaze focused on him longer than it should have when he wasn't paying attention. I don't know when the love I felt for him changed from a love I'd have for a best friend to a love that had me crying myself to sleep every night. At some point, though, I realized that I was in love for the first time, but with a man that I had no possible future with. A man that was my coworker, my best friend, and above all, a happily married man. You'd think that being friends with his wife, and loving his kids like they were my own would make me come to my senses, but no. I fell harder every time I saw him kiss his wife goodbye when she came to the station, or when he'd play catch with Dickie in the front yard on Thanksgiving instead of helping us girls assemble dinner. I even went as far as trying to convince myself that I was more in love with the idea of him: the honorable family man, devoted equally to his kids and his job, a devout Catholic. He encompassed every quality that I had ever wanted in a significant other, a life partner, and I think I used that notion to rid me of the ridiculous thoughts that I had been having for what felt like forever.

_He's my best friend. My partner. My MARRIED best friend and partner..._

I ran those thoughts through my head so much that I was afraid that if someone were to bring my attention back to the present situation, I would say them aloud. I tried to force myself to believe that I didn't love him, but after months of lying to myself, I finally gave in. I was in love. Painfully in love, but I couldn't act on it. I made peace with that and moved on. I had to. If I had to sacrifice love for a partnership with him, I wouldn't think twice. And I didn't.

_And I'm petrified, hypnotized  
Every time you walk by  
And I'm hypnotized, pettrified,  
Every time you walk by  
And I can't get you out of my mind_

Elliot was always a difficult man to deal with at work. He had a violent temper, ignited by the fact that sick and twisted men preyed on women and girls that always seemed to remind him a little too much of the women that awaited him at home. He'd get out of control, but I'd talk him through it, knowing that if he stepped out of Elliot the dad and into Elliot the cop, he'd realize that this is the job that we do, it's bred in us, and he'd be fine.

That worked well enough until he hit a rough patch that lasted several weeks. A span of time that he festered in all by himself. He refused to let anyone in - not even me, his partner, and his best friend. I knew him, so I kept my distance and gave him space all because I knew he'd never talk to me if I pushed him too hard too soon. I didn't mind leaving him be to solve his issues himself, until whatever hell we was going through at home got dragged into the station.

_Need to know  
I don't wanna know  
Already know  
I've seen the signs  
I watch you as you pull yourself away from me_

I knew that morning when Elliot got to work that the day was going to suck. He was on edge already, and we hadn't even gotten past seven o'clock. Nevertheless, things went relatively smooth until we were interviewing some young creep we liked for the rape and murder of a fourteen-year-old girl. Our suspect said something to piss Elliot off, and he charged, ramming the kid into the wall, his right forearm holding his neck against the cold stone of the wall. I sat wide-eyed for a split-second allowing my brain to process this surprise before I stood up and took a tentative step toward Elliot. I watched the veins in his neck pulsate, and I watched anger make waves in the deep blue of his eyes. Despite the seriousness of this situation, I found myself beginning to feel ever-so-slightly turned on.

"Elliot...Let him go." I said, and I gently touched his arm, hoping this gesture would warm him at least a little but. Unfortunately, his muscles were still remarkably stiff under my hand.

"Liv, this kid walks and that little girl's rape and murder go unpunished."

I turned as the door clicks open and Cragen, Huang, and Novak walk in. Don took a step toward him, but I put my hand up to stop him, and he nods. It was a sign that told me he knew what I was thinking. _If anyone was going to get Elliot to back down, it would be me._ I turned back to Elliot and searched his face, hoping to God he would turn to look me in the eye. "Do you really want to risk your badge for this scum?" I glared at the squirming piece of crap that Elliot had in a lock, and I could swear I heard him mutter something offensive, but at the time, I chose to ignore it. It wasn't important. Elliot was. "Would you riding the desk give this girl justice?" I feel Elliot's grip loosen, and the kid slides out from under him and sits back at the table, rubbing his neck.

Elliot finally backed away and pierced suspect with a venomous glare before he stalked out of the interrogation room, me close on his heels. He plopped into the chair at his desk and leaned back, sighing as he pinched the bridge of his nose. I leaned on the corner of his desk, "What the hell was that?"

He stared at the ground and played with his fingers as the reality of the situation began to sink in. "I lost control."

"Yeah, no shit, Elliot." I realized the moment that the words left my mouth that they were probably a little harsher than they needed to be, but I was reeling from the fact that I may have lost my partner, one of the people that made this job and the stress that came with it worthwhile.

He looked at me, and for once, he let me see past the mask he'd been hiding behind. For once, I was allowed to see the pain that made his once vibrant blue eyes cold and lifeless; and I was surprised at myself because in that second, I was terrified. Of what? I don't know. But I think it had something to do with the fact that this man, once so happy and stable, was now crumbling; falling apart at my feet, and I didn't know why. I turned his chair to face me and took his hand, enveloping it in mine. I did my best to ignore that heat that was radiating from them, and I told myself that he needed me. He needed his partner, his best friend. I looked into his eyes and pleaded with him, "Elliot, talk to me. What is going on?"

_Can't believe  
I wanna believe  
How can I believe  
You're making me doubt  
I thought I knew you  
I don't even know myself_

He looked down to his hand, which was engulfed in both of mine, and I could swear that I felt his soft, yet calloused thumb rub against the back of my hand. He shook his head, his strikingly beautiful blue eyes met mine once again, and he whispered, "It hurts so much, Livvy."

With those words, I pulled him into an empty interrogation room and let go of his hand to close the door behind us. He moved into one of the chairs, and I opted for the position I was in before, leaning against the table at his side. For the second time in ten minutes, I attempted to get him to open up. "El, please tell me what happened. Please let me in." What he said next surprised me more than anything.

"Kathy filed for divorce."

Without even giving myself time to think, I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him to my stomach. I stroked his hair as I felt him cry into my chest and wrap his arms tightly around my waist. I wasn't ever a very emotional person, but as I hugged Elliot, I felt tears welling up in my eyes. Before long, I was crying with him. I cried because my best friends' life was falling apart around him. I cried because I knew what it was like to lose everything you ever believed in. And I cried because a small fraction of me was happy; I was in love with a man who was no longer one hundred percent off limits. I reveled in the fact that his arms were around me before I felt him pull away. He rubbed his eyes and sighed, finding a spot on the wall and staring at it, as if willing it to move. Somehow, I found my voice again.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. He blinked, but otherwise made no other acknowledgment of the fact that he heard me. "I thought you guys were happy." I wiped a tear from my cheek and watched him stand and walk toward the window.

"We were," he sighed. "But that was a lot of years ago."

His voice was raw with emotion so strong it literally made my heart hurt. "I'm so sorry." I winced at my own comment, realizing just how stupid and useless it was for his pain. I mean, I was sorry, but I knew that that emotion did nothing to ease the hurt that was ravaged through him. After all, he was like me, he hated being pitied.

Elliot gazed out onto the streets, arms crossed at his chest. He still hadn't made any effort to wipe the tears that stained his cheeks. "I'm not."

My eyes widened. _Don't Elliot. Please don't reduce your marriage to something insignificant by not being sorry, by not being hurt about the fact that it was over._ I shook my head. "Elliot..."

"No, Liv. I'm not sorry." He turned to face me and smiled, not the radiant one that made my knees weak, but a sad and regretful smile that made my heart break. "Kathy and I fell out of love a long time ago," he said. "The end was just a matter of time and who filed first."

I looked down, my fingers fidgeting nervously. We'd never had such a serious emotional conversation. Although up until now, we hadn't exactly needed to. "What about the kids?"

He shoved his hands in his pockets. "They're okay. I think they're better off now, though. I think everyone's happier this way."

I nodded in agreement. I imagined that having their parents happy apart is better than unhappy together. "You gonna be okay?"

He sighed, and for the first time since he turned from the window, his eyes broke contact with mine. "Yeah, I'll be fine." I nodded again, having nothing more to say. I think he can see in my eyes and my demeanor that there's still something unresolved for me. "Liv, I'm not hurt because the marriage is over. I'm hurt because it was a part of me for twenty years. I got four beautiful children out of it. I'm just going to have some trouble adjusting to the single life again."

"Yeah, I know." But I really didn't. I'd never had to unadjust to the single life. And as much as everyone seemed to have thought otherwise, I really did want to get married and share life with someone.

I smiled and before I knew it, he walked over to me with his arms outstretched and wrapped me in a hug so warm, it almost made me feel like the world wasn't so terrible. He rested his head on my shoulder, his face buried sin my neck and sighed, making my heart skip a beat. "Thanks for being here, Liv."

Against my better judgment, I smiled and wrapped my arms around his middle, pulling him closer. "Don't mention it. I'm here for you always." He pulled away and I felt my heart break. He slid his hand down my arm to my fingers, and gave them a squeeze before nodding as has walked toward the door. I watched him walk out; pleased to see that the confidence had found its way back into his strut, and I melted into the chair he sat in moments before. I dropped my head into my hands and exhaled deeply, blinking rapidly to stop the tears I felt coming. I had to laugh at myself for a moment, because I let myself become so pathetic, so drowned in feelings I could never express. At that moment, I whispered to everyone and no one in particular, "I love you."

The rest of the day went by with nothing out of the ordinary, and somehow, Cragen was able to get IAB to stay out of Elliot's lapse of good judgment and ethics. The clock ticked its way to the time that I usually high-tailed my ass out of there, and I started getting my crap ready to go home. I was almost out the door when I heard my name called in a familiar voice behind me. I turned around and saw Elliot running to catch up, and I hoped and prayed that we didn't have another call, because I hadn't slept in days and I felt like I needed a good cry. I took a deep breath and forced a smile, "What's up?"

He caught his breath and smiles at me, "Feel like a drink?" His eyebrows wiggled and I saw a little twinkle in his eye, as he turns on the charm. "I'll pay..." I admit, his ploy to entice me into getting drunk almost worked, but I began to feel tears burning my eyes, and I knew I wouldn't be able to make it the evening without making a complete fool of myself in front of the one person I couldn't let see me like this.

I took a deep breath and hoped my voice wouldn't crack with tears. "Actually, I'll take a rain check. I'm not feeling too good...It's been a long day." I saw disappointment flash across his face as his smile faded and he sized me up, having an internal argument over whether he should fight me or not.

"You okay, Liv?"

"Yeah," I lie. "I'm just really beat. I need to rest." I think he knew I'm lying when I say that, because the Olivia Benson he knew would never turn down a drink to _rest_. But whatever suspicions he may have had, he let them go and accepted my refusal. "Have fun, though. Drink a beer for me," I said, as he nodded and headed past me for the door.

"Yeah, see you tomorrow, Liv." He smiled that drop-dead-gorgeous smile at me, and turned around, disappearing through the double doors that led to the summer night outside.

"Yeah," I whispered, "Tomorrow."

I was in tears for the second time that day by the time I got home. I was so confused, listening to both my head and my heart, both of which were feeling different things. My head was telling me to be sorry for him because of the stress he's going through, but my heart was happy that he was a single man again - or at least he would be soon. And then, I couldn't help but feel guilty because a part of me thought that my head and my heart should have switched; that I was selfish for being happy about the end of his marriage.

I was battling a fresh onslaught of tears when I heard a knock at my door. Shit. "One minute," I yelled. I grabbed for a tissue and dry my face as much as possible. I knew I looked like hell, but there wasn't a whole lot I could do about it at the time. I ran back to the door, swung it open and almost choked on my own saliva when I saw Elliot leaning against the door jam on the other side. "Hey! What're you doing here?" I had meant it to sound nonchalant, but instead, it came out as an accusation.

"Just came to see if you were okay." He squinted his eyes, and I knew that I was busted. "Olivia, have you been crying?"

_I never saw it happening  
I'd given up and given in  
I just couldn't take the hurt again  
What a feeling_

"Is it that obvious?" I meant this as a joke, but I could tell from the look on his face that he saw no humor.

I smiled, and even though it was a small and meaningless gesture, it helped because he smiled back at me. He looked over my shoulder into my apartment, and grins. "You gonna invite me in or what?"

I laughed and stepped back, clearing the doorway and motioning inside. When he tossed his jacked on the back of the chair that was closest to the door, I say, "I didn't think I'd have to ask." As I walked into the kitchen, I felt him watching me, and I couldn't help but smile. I was a bundle of nerves, but this interaction was really starting to entertain me. "You want anything to drink?" I yell out, rummaging through my cabinets in search of usable glasses.

I heard his footsteps behind me and I turn around to see him hop onto my countertop. He looked around, surveying his surroundings as if he'd never seen my kitchen before. "Nah..."

I grabbed myself a beer, smiling over to him. "So, what do you want?" I joke.

"To talk," he responded simply.

"'Bout what?" I wanted to know, but at the same time, I was afraid I was opening some sort of Pandora's Box. What did he have up his sleeve?

"Whatever it is that's bothering you."

I almost choked on my beer. He caught my gaze and maintained it, making me squirm from the intensity in his eyes. "It's nothing."

I barely got the last word out before he countered, "It's something."

He had stopped playing games, and it scared the shit out of me. I sighed and placed my bottle on the counter. "Look, El. I really don't want to talk about it right now."

He nodded, jumped off the counter, and headed for the living room. "Meet me on your couch in ten." Before I could refuse, he was walking away, leaving me in my kitchen staring at the doorway he had just disappeared through.

I squeezed the bridge of my nose, hoping that somehow all of this was just a crazy dream that I will have forgotten by morning. I realized in this second that he had inadvertently taken the first step. He was forcing me to tell him something that I had kept within the confines of my own heart for years. What I was about to say to him would make or break our partnership - our friendship. I sighed, pushing off the counter into the doorway as if it would give me the strength I needed. I walked into the living room and mentally prepared to pour my heart out. Six minutes early, six years late.

_What a feeling in my soul  
Love burns brighter than sunshine  
It's brighter than sunshine  
Let the rain fall, I don't care  
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine  
Suddenly you're mine_

It looked like he was surprised to see me standing in front of him, and I didn't blame him. If this hadn't been my apartment, I would've bolted already. I didn't - and still don't - do well with emotional confrontations.

He grinned at me and I realize that there is no turning back. Patting the couch beside him in invitation, he says, "C'mon Liv. Just talk to me."

I walked over and sat down, surprised when he pulled me against him as soon as I hit the cushion. I laid my head across his chest and listened to his heart beat. "What do you want to hear?"

I smiled when he spoke, the vibrations of his voice relaxing me, "Whatever it is that you're keeping from me." It was this statement that made me want to love him and hate him all at the same time. He cared about me, yet he would never let me go without finding exactly what was bothering me. It was touching, but it got extremely annoying at times. My silence disturbed him, and he adjusted his position, moving me to meet his eyes. They were so sincerely worried, it made me want to break down and cry. I could feel the tears coming, but I promised myself I wouldn't make a scene before I said everything I needed to. Crying would not have produced the desired effect. "Olivia, what could there possibly be that you couldn't tell me?" He searched my eyes for something, for anything. "What don't I already know?" And he was right. There wasn't a God-damned thing other than this painful burn in my heart that he didn't know about. That was part of the reason why it was so hard to tell him. I felt my chin quiver and before I could stop them, the tears were sliding down my face so fast that they were dripping down my neck and onto my shirt before I could even think to wipe them away.

Elliot slid his thumb under my eyelid, still swimming so far deep into my eyes that I had to convince myself that he was still sitting in front of me. "Liv..."

"I broke the rules," I finally said. My voice was so thick with years, I doubt he even heard what I said, but that didn't matter. It wasn't the important part. "I ruined probably the best thing that ever happened to me." He looked at me questioningly, waiting for me to finish, "You."

The expression on his face changed instantly. It went from worry, to surprise, than to confusion. "What are you trying to say?"

I took a deep breath, one hundred percent sure that the next words out of my mouth would ruin the rest of my life completely. "I'm in love with you."

There! I said it! And I wanted so badly to be happy that it was finally out there, but I couldn't. Because it had been seven seconds since I uttered those words and he hadn't made a sound. Hell, he hadn't even so much as blinked. I back-tracked, hoping to God that if I took it back, we could forget that this ever happened and we could go back to working together like always. "You know what, just forget it, okay? I never should have told you that." I looked down, willing myself to die right then and there. Right in his arms, because whether or not he believed it, that was right where I belonged. "I'm sorry," I whisper.

He brought up a hand to stroke my cheek, no longer wet from tears, and whispered back hoarsely, "I'm not." I recognized this phrase from our conversation this morning, and I looked up sharply, shocked to see him smiling down at me.

_Tied up in ancient history  
I didn't believe in destiny  
I look up you're standing next to me  
What a feeling_

"Elliot..." He grazed a thumb across my bottom lip and I thanked every saint there is that I was already sitting down, because I probably would've fainted otherwise. Suddenly, his fingered tightened on my lip, and I realized that I was being pulled toward him. I kept my eyes on his the whole time, amazed that I was now close enough to see the laugh lines on his face and smell the aftershave on his skin. And then, I felt his breath on my face and my eyes fluttered closed. Within milliseconds, his lips cover mine, so soft and gentle it was almost like they weren't there. The hand that he used to pull me closer was now tangled in my hair, keeping my head in place as he moved his lips in a silent rhythm against mine.

I felt myself start to kiss him back, and I had to resist the urge to smile. It was funny, because I had never kissed him like this - I had never kissed him period - and yet, it felt like second nature. Butterflies swirled in the pit of my stomach as the sensation of his tongue gliding along my lips filled my senses. And then, not even a second later, I was on his lap, my fingers raking through his short hair as his tongue dueled with mine. Almost as soon as it started, however, it stopped. My brain caught up with my inhibitions, and I pulled away. My hair was a mess, we were both out of breath, and I was almost too aroused for a coherent string of words, yet I was able to breathe one syllable. "Wait..."

"What?" He panted. "What's wrong, Liv? I thought you wanted this."

I tried to think clearly, but with his erection pressed into my inner thigh as I sat on his lap, I couldn't seem to think about anything but wanting him. As I stood up, I answer hurriedly, "I did! I do!"

He laughed, and the sound of that warmed my heart. "So what's the problem?"

"I don't want you to do this - do us," I said, frantically gesturing between us, "Just because you feel sorry for me. I am so totally head-over-heels in love with you. But if this is going to happen, I want it to be because you want it, too." He looked down then, but I couldn't tell if it was from disappointment or regret, or whatever. I sat back down on the couch, close to him, but not close enough to lose control. "Elliot, I know you're getting divorced and I'll completely understand if you're not feeling the same or if you're not ready for something like this yet. But I want you to know that I'm here. As whatever you may want me to be, and that's never going to change."

He smiled at me and took my hand, kissing each individual finger before looking at me again. "You are so beautiful when you cry, Liv." He looked down at my hand in his and sighed. "My heart has been fighting itself for so long. I kept trying to tell myself that what I was feeling for you was wrong, that I was a bad man because of it." He looked into my eyes, and I swear I could feel my heart beating in my throat. "When I married Kathy, I thought I'd found my soul mate. I thought we'd be together forever. No question. But..." I saw tears welling in his eyes, and I could feel the waterworks begin again. "But then, almost eight years ago, you waltzed into my life, and stole my heart. I knew from the first time we had lunch, that you were the something missing in my life. When I met you, every single romantic cliché in the book made sense, and I swear I've never felt anything that powerful; ever." A tear slid down his face and I reached up to wipe it away. He looked at me, leaned in, and placed a soft kiss right on my nose. I smiled, and squeezed his hand urging him to continue. "God, Liv. You complete me. You understand me better than Kathy ever did."

I closed my eyes then, because all of a sudden, the whole situation became overwhelming. Having a feeling as powerful as this reciprocated is quite a bit of pressure, and without thinking, I flung my arms around his neck, pulling him in for the strongest hug I could muster. I was sobbing at this point, but took a deep breath, and whispered, "I love you," into his shoulder.

_I didn't have the strength to fight  
Suddenly you seemed so right  
Me and you   
What a feeling_

I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. With those three words, I released six years of intense feeling, and to finally get it out in the open made me giddy. I smiled into Elliot's neck, and he moved his mouth so close to my ear that I got goose bumps when he spoke. "I have been waiting to hear those words come out of your mouth for longer than you'll ever know."

I closed my eyes, ears aching to hear the statement that would send me to the moon. "Say it back."

He reached back and unwrapped my arms from his neck and pulled away from me so that when I opened my eyes again, I was staring into electric blue. He smiled and leaned in, kissing my cheek right next to my ear before moving to my forehead, my nose, both of my eyes, and finally my lips. "I love you so much."

I released a breath and I didn't know I'd been holding and smiled, leaning back on my couch, and taking Elliot with me. I cupped his face in my hands as he leaned in, biting gently at my lower lip before covering it completely with his own. He moved his hips rhythmically over mine, and before long, we were naked on my couch, sweaty and breathing feverishly. My head was so far up in the clouds, I couldn't see straight when I opened my eyes. Elliot was looking at me, such intense passion swimming in his deep blue eyes. He kissed my lips once more before tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. "Are you ready?" I took a deep breath and outlined his face with my fingers and nodded, unable to find words to express what I was feeling. He smiled and kissed me, entering me slowly so my body could get used to him. There's no describing the rush you feel when you're with that person you love.

_Love will remain a mystery  
But give me your hand and you will see  
Your heart is keeping time with me_

We never broke eye contact the entire time we were making love, and when it was over, I got us some wine and a blanket, and we lay on the floor below the couch and talked softly into the wee hours of the morning before I finally fell asleep. I woke up a few hours later to a tray of blueberry pancakes and a vase of red roses, my favorite flower, on the coffee table by my head. I found Elliot in the kitchen, leaning against the counter and reading the paper with a glass of orange juice in his hand. I stood in the doorway; the blanket wrapped around my body as I watched him until he felt my presence a moment later. He smiled, put down the paper and his glass, and walked over to me, wrapping his arms around my waist and kissing the top of my head. "G'morning, beautiful."

"'Morning," I leaned up and kissed his neck, sighing contently. "Thanks for the pancakes."

"You're welcome. But you can only have them on one condition." He smiled at me.

"And what might that be?"

"I feed them to you." He cocked his eyebrow and grinned, making me laugh as I grabbed his hand and led him back into the living room.

"You've got yourself a deal."

We ate the pancakes, and spent the rest of the day cuddling and making love. After all, what better way to spend your Saturday off than with the one you love?

_I never understood before  
I never knew what love was for  
My heart was broke, my head was sore  
What a feeling_


End file.
